Greetings from the twilight zone. Been a little while, eh? I guess it always will be.
For those of you who have followed my blog for any period of time, first of all, let it be known that you are a Rockstar. Mean it. Capital R. Bold. Times New Roman font size 87. And me? I am your groupie.
Taking time away from you, was never originally my intention, it never is. Sometimes you just get weary of your own vulnerability and want to put a “gone to lunch. be back never” sign over the door of your transparency and pretend like life is really what it seems on Instagram.
If only, if only for a filtered moment.
Now don’t get me wrong, the wrestling and the weariness are all just signs of a beating heart. Being able to catch them in good light at a killer angle is just a sneaky little perk.
This last little season (I would call it a hiatus but I won’t because I feel like you have to be super consistent and own a pant suit and not consider peanut butter a meal to be worthy of such phraseology <—-googled that) has been such of dependency. It has been a time of letting go and of taking hold. Of taking a running jump into waiting for promise. Of receiving that promise. Of fighting for that promise. Victories. No-hitters. And a whole lotta learnin’ on the way up. I have watched as 1 John 15 has come to life in the smeared blue lines and tear-stained pages of my prayers.
There have been good days and by “good” I mean that I only required three cups of coffee and I didn’t cry. Much. Heck, there have been great days. The kind that you want to cut-out and hang on your wall so you can look at it every day and say that was my best day. And then there were few, the ones you have to take a deep breath just to talk about- to catch your voice before it shakes- and check your pulse. The ones where you have to look at someone else and say Well hey! The sun is shining so I can’t really complain only to try and convince yourself. Because maybe if you say it, you will believe it.
And that’s just it- the believing it. I have wanted to share these moments with you, I have ached for it. But it wasn’t time. I had to first allow my heart to understand, to take in the weight of Glory for myself. Gird myself in the Truth that was being sung over me and fully realize that picking up a cross- my cross- is heavy.
Oh, but the fruit, it is sweet.
To seek and find the Lord. When I think of Jesus my mind immediately falls echoey and silent all at the same time. A lion with fiercely gentle eyes, who walks with sure footsteps and a certain elegant valiance. Who has every ability under the sun, the sun He breathed into being, to stop your very existence in its tracks, but instead your best interest is His top priority. He rejoices in you, He delights in your creation, roaring over you His divine providence. He looks at you with pride that one, she is mine.
Sometimes I feel like I’m doing so good and then without warning I’m not. The stage dims. Suddenly every truth I’ve ever known is a mirage in the desert of my heart. I am Hagar. I am so close, but I could not feel farther away. I wander, running in place, attempting to sustain myself on faucet water and yesterday’s manna. Filling up on the temporary things of this world just to be emptied again. Tired. And then I see Him. Running to me. El Roi. He sees me. Though He never lost me He sought me. My chains don’t shame Him-
He breaks them.
He picks me up. He licks His thumb and cleans up the dirt from my face. We walk and talk until I am okay again and for a moment I forget that I’m taking 19 hours of school and that I haven’t washed my hair in four whole days and it’s good. It’s all good. Upside-down smiley face.
I am so excited to be back with you people, to share all of my happenings. I have so much to fill you in on and so much cup-overflow to word vomit in your direction. Prepare yourselves. Eeep. It will be so fun.
Talk to you soon.
“She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: ‘You are the God who sees me,’ for she said, ‘I have now seen the One who sees me.'” Genesis 16:13
“He has often refreshed me and was unashamed of my chains. Indeed, when he arrived in Rome, he searched diligently until he found me.” 2 Timothy 1:17